WARNING!

This newspaper is a time machine, locked in around the time of two World Wars, one World Cup and a lost age when it was permissible to poke fun at Germans.

Not that we don't love them - we do. Not that we don't admire them - they are an amazing people. Not that they don't brew the best beer in the world.

They don't. In the COSMOS!

But let's face it. They live in a land often more boring than a caravan site in winter. Their government is made up of grey drones, their civil service run by RoboCops, their upper-classes obsessed with parking their money in Switzerland, their TV thrillers are as tense as Boris Becker's oldest jockstrap and their contribution to pop limited to Nena and the Boehse Onkelz.

Their restaurant service is appalling, their car driving manners reprehensible, their sense of humour ... well, have a look at their carnivals ... What more do you need to know.

But we're on a mission at the GH - to get the komatose, komplacent, dis-kontented Krauts to lighten up and laugh along with a Brit-centric take on Germany.

We hope you'll laugh with us in preference to the spine-crushing tedium of the FAZ, if that is your particular brand of masochism.

We aim to blow the Local yokels out of the media Freibad with stories brighter than Lady Ga Ga's lipstick; we aim to crack the mirror of Spiegel with tales from both the light and dark side, while avoiding the boring (because, hey, like we said, there's already enough of that in Germany. And in Spiegel.)

You want whacko - we got it. You want opinions – we got opinions rawer than a steak tartare. You want info – we have it: quicker, cheaper and more understandable than a Deutsche Bahn timetable.

The German Herald. Everything you thought you didn't want in a newspaper.

But we know you'll like it.

Chelsea Thugs Target Champs League Final
Anti-soccer thug police have warned that a hard core of violent fans are heading for Chelsea's Champions League final against Bayern Munich on Saturday - despite British police issuing more than 80 travel bans on suspected hooligans.

Old Banger
A cabbie whose gas-powered car exploded just after he'd fuelled up survived with barely a scratch when he was blown clean through the open window, say police in Schwabing, Germany.

Scared Stiff
A burglar fled an apartment in terror when he came face to face with the mummified corpse of the of a woman who'd died unnoticed five years earlier, say police.

Dirty Politics
A grandstanding politician came down to earth with a bump - when a 40 ton digger he'd insisted on driving overturned on top of him.

Ewe Brutes
Callous art students who planned to behead a helpless sheep are being investigated by prosecutors in the German capital Berlin over animal cruelty allegations.

Wedding Lift
A serial car crook found with stolen wedding presents worth more than 150,000 GBP has confessed to pinching them from cars parked outside churches and hotels.

Hot Cross Huns
Naked sauna-goers were among the two hundred guests that fled when a sauna and thermal spa resort in Fichtelburg, Germany, went up in flames causing 25 million GBP of damage.

Wedding Crasher
Boozed up Stephan Pfeifer, 20, was a real wedding crasher after wandering into a community centre attic space to find somewhere to sleep - and plunging 30 foot through the floor to land in a shower of debris in front of bride Annett Friedman in Unterfranken, Germany.

Off Their Trolley
Staff at a Kaufland supermarket in Duisberg, Germany, had to apologise to customers after thieves made off with their entire stock of 150 shopping trolleys overnight.

Piggy Back
Dad Lucas Bergmann who was burgled and his his kid's money boxes and toys stolen while the family were at a New year's Eve party has had the lot returned - complete with an apology note from the thief at Neufahrn in Bavaria, Germany.