WARNING!

This newspaper is a time machine, locked in around the time of two World Wars, one World Cup and a lost age when it was permissible to poke fun at Germans.

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  • Anybody who has dealt with Deutsche Telekom knows the meaning of despair. But are they really that bad? Which of the following do you regard as the worst thing about Germany?
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RSS FeedGermany in Focus, page 44

  • Wee Shock
    Rocky the pet pooch was decked by a massive electric shock when he peeed on a lamppost that had been turned live by an electrical fault, say police in Ellerbek, Germany.
  • High Gear
    A 42-year-old trucker who was so drunk he fell out of his cab when police stopped him has had his licence confiscated in Beelitz, Germany. Tests showed the driver was five times over the legal drink drive limit, say police.
  • Prison Bake
    A 24-year-old inmate who escaped while serving two years jail for burglary came back after a week and begged to be returned to his old cell because he missed the regular meals.
  • Marriage Breakdown
    Police called off a murder hunt in Bielefeld, Germany, sparked by an abandoned car with its engine running when the shamefaced owner called in to say he and his wife has stormed off from the vehicle after a massive row.

  • Dry Little Pony
    Firefighters staged a three hour rescue after this hungry horse tried to graze on grass beside a river bank in Ratingen, Germany, and fell in.
  • Rock And Roll
    Driver Helmut Schmidt really did find himself between a rock and a hard place when he lost control of his sports car on a curve and ended up balanced on a boulder unable to get free.
  • Fin-al Frontier
    Research scientists have cracked the secret of how animals regenerate limbs that could one day lead to human patients growing new arms as easily as lizards create a lost tail.
  • Speed Freaked
    An angry motorist beat a traffic cop senseless and then smashed up his mobile speed gun after being clocked for speeding in Dormagen, Germany.

  • Cleaned Out
    A machete wielding gang of four men bundled the staff and all the male customers of a bar into a cleaner's cupboard in Berlin, Germany, and fled with cash, mobile phones and even coins from the slot machines, say police.
  • Sin Binned
    Church leaders in Germany are to cut their ties to a publishing house that makes then 1.5 billion GBP-a-year from erotic novels with titles like 'Tempted to Sin' and 'The New Karma Sutra.'
  • Big Brother Porn Stars Porn Death
    A Big Brother porn star undergoing an op to give her bigger boobs died when surgeons bungled emergency treatment for a heart attack, an official report into her death has revealed.
  • Snatched Photos
    A kinky gynaecologist is being pursued by hundreds of former patients after he took secret intimate photographs of them while he was treating them.

  • Ear We Go
    A woman is suing her doctor for 6,000 GBP for damaging her hearing when he blasted the waiting room with a vuvuzela trumpet in the warm up to a World Cup match last year.
  • Away Leg
    A 19-year-old football thug's right arm was ripped off when he fell into the path of an express train during a platform fight in Cologne, Germany, say police, who arrested nine fans during the brawl. Surgeons were unable to reattach the arm, which was carried several miles down the track by the train.
  • Naked Truth
    Scientist Claus-Eckart Schmidt has spent 10 years researching nature's worst kept secret - that men like ogling naked women.
  • Doggy Collar Style
    Roman Catholic leaders in Germany are facing a new sex scandal after it was revealed that the church owned publishing house which makes 1.5 billion GBP-a-year for them publishes erotic novels.

  • Hen-Credible Payout
    Hen fancier Markus Huber has been sued for 180 GBP after his pet cockerel pecked a water meter reader's leg as he walked through his garden in Cologne, Germany.
  • Dr Flew
    A doctor abandoned his patients and fled onto the roof of his surgery after a heroin addict pulled a gun and demanded they keys to the drugs cupboard, say police in Munich, Germany.
  • Trouser Snake
    Shoppers fled in terror when a two foot long deadly snake was spotted slithering along the rails in Aachen, Germany, after escaping from a crate of stock shipped in from the Far East.
  • Addict Shopped
    A shopping addict who swindled more than 1 million GBP from her bosses has been jailed for five years by judges in Hannover, Germany.

  • Post Mortem
    Neighbours ignored a former nurse laying dead in her apartment for eight months because they thought she'd left to live with a new boyfriend.
  • Alzheimers: Diag-noses Breakthrough
    A breakthrough in the early diagnosis of Alzeheimer's has been discovered simply by looking up patients' nostrils.
  • Auf Widersehen Pets
    Animal-mad Germany has spawned a massive pet funeral service as owners defy the financial crisis to give their four footed loved ones the send offs they deserve.
  • Killer Heels
    A kinky hooker who crushed live mice to death under her high heeled shoes to satisfy a pervert punter has been given a jail sentence by judges in Darmstadt, Germany.

  • Air Head
    Dozy Markus Rainer set fire to his bed when he fell asleep after turning on his hair drier under the duvet to warm himself up, say firefighters in Malsch, Germany.
  • Referendum
    German Chancellor Angela Merkel is contemplating sweeping changes to her country's constitution to move more power to Brussels in a bid to save the euro.
  • Mans Best End
    Dog lover Kurt Klein, 62, was savaged to death by his Doberman Pinscher Benj when he tried to leave the family home in Wulfingerode, Germany, for a walk, say police.
  • Rich Raper
    The German model who accuses a multi-billionaire nephew of the king of Saudi Arabia of raping her aboard his luxury yacht has spoken for the first time of her ordeal.

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Latest News

 

How Boris Becker Was Brougt Low by Cheap TV stunt
Three-time Wimbledon tennis ace Boris Becker has been accused of making himself into a laughing stock by taking part in a cheap publicity stunt this weekend to promote his new book "Life Is Not a Game". The stunt included having a giant bow with two fly swats strapped to his head to play table tennis.

GRIN AND BEAR IT - Brown Bears At The Dentist
With toothache in choppers this size, these brown bears at a German wildlife park had every right to be a bit grizzly.

FORK THAT - Worker turns Fork Lift Into Jousting Lance
German police are investigating after a hyper market worker turned his forklift truck into a jousting device and attempted to spear a fellow worker after a row.

DIRTY THIRTY - Fake Euro Note Warning By Cops
A German corner shop owner saw some of his profits go up in smoke after he accepted payment for a pack of cigarettes with this non-existent 30 Euro note.

MURDER MYSTERY: Did Killer Confess in Novel?
Fugitive Norbert Wieland, 66, has been on the run since his girlfriend Bettina Polzer's body was found at her apartment in Furstenfeldbruck, Germany.

WHITE BLAM MAN - Brit Cheats Death By Seconds in Crane Smash
A British white van man cheated death by seconds in Germany when a falling 130 crane arm cut his truck in half.

UNTRUCKY BREAK: Thief Facing Justice
This smug looking truck thief will soon be facing justice - after speed cameras caught him fleeing the scene in Sarstedt, Germany.

NAZI SHOCK: Death Camp Victims Buried Beside SS Officers
Nazi death camp victims were secretly buried beside SS officers at a German World War II cemetery, outraged historians have revealed.

PICNIC BASKET BABY MURDERED - Baby abandoned in River Danube
A mother whose newborn baby boy was found dead in a picnic hamper with his throat cut is being quizzed by police in Regensburg, Germany.

WE ARE NOT EMU-SED - 7 Police Cars Chase Emu
Heavy handed cops gunned down a six foot tall emu after it escaped from an enclosure in Heimfeld, Germany.

 


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