Krazy Krauts, page 14

• Slow coach
  A British caravaner has been blamed for a 100,000 GBP motorway pile-up- by going too slow.
• Splat nav
  A terrified wife hurled herself from the family car at more than 50 mph when she convinced herself her husband planned to kill them both by crashing it.
• Smuggled jet body cremated
  A widow who was caught allegedly trying to smuggle the body of her dead husband on board a packed holiday plane has been given permission to cremate his body tomorrow (Tuesday).
• Zoo visitors get the hump
  Visitors to a German zoo have got the hump with keepers after complaining that a newborn baby camel has no hump.

• Road Hogs
  Car safety bosses have staged a series of bizarre crash tests to tackle the danger of real life road hogs.
• Call the Jehovahs witnesses
  A man who burst in on a Jehovah's Witnesses prayer meeting armed with a submachine gun has told police he was just trying to test their security.
• Dirty buzzard
  A randy buzzard on the hunt for mates attacked a female jogger when she strayed too close to his breeding ground.
• Rash decision
  A security guard who was sacked after doctors told him he's allergic to money has sued his former bosses for unfair dismissal.

• Loveshack bloodbath
  An inmate slaughtered his girlfriend with a carving knife during a six hour sex session in a prison 'loveshack' after she told him their affair was over.
• Take a brake
  A lorry driver is being quizzed by police after he demolished a garage when his brakes failed - on his way there to get them checked.
• House sellers chain
  A desperate homeowner kidnapped a lawyer and chained him in the cellar to force him to save his house from being repossessed by the bank.
• Feeling blue
  Stork about a colourful comeback.

• Pot-bellied pig in the street
  Dalmation dog Spot gave his owner Heinrich Lehrer, 54, a shock when he spotted something rustling around in the bushes at Ratingen, Germany - and chased out this 50 kilo porker.
• Dead German airport grandad to be cremated in UK
  A widow who was caught allegedly trying to smuggle the body of her dead husband on board a packed holiday plane says she will cremate him this week and fly his ashes back to Germany.
• School bus driver drunk at wheel
  A German bus driver who was so drunk he couldn't speak when questioned by police after crashing into a snow drift has been told to pay a fine or go to jail for 45 days.
• By the book
  Book worm Martin Rieger, 29, financed a life of luxury including holidays abroad and designer clothes by scouring local libraries for valuable first editions and other rare books and then stealing and selling them.

• Hard to swallow
  A hungry carer who was sacked after she scoffed down six pieces of ravioli that had been left over from a meal from one of her OAP charges has been given £38,000 in compensation by an industrial tribunal.
• Google attack
  German cops are hunting vandals who smashed up a Google 'Street View' car after the driver left it parked on a street in the northern city of Oldenburg.
• High hopes
  Dozens of hopefuls turned up after discovering officials in Hamburg, Germany, planned to destroy 5.5 tonnes of confiscated marijuana by burning it at a refuse incineration site.
• Black out
  Drink driver Wilhelm Manner, 20, who passed out at the wheel, blacked out an entire district of the German town of Moenchengladbach after crashing into a high-voltage pylon.

• Elderly driver mixes up brake pedal with accelerator
  Elderly German woman driver Hannah Murschnitz, 81, caused 45,000 pounds worth of damage after mixing up the brake pedal and the accelerator at Nuremberg in Germany and crashing through a bush, bouncing off a litter bin and then running over a bicycle and a motorbike and damaging several parked cars before she came to a stop.
• Snore out of luck
  Angry tenants have demanded 8,000 GBP in compensation from their landlord after a snoring neighbour made their lives a misery.
• Neigh way to behave
  A kinky couple who had sex in front of a children's playground have been fined 400 GBP for breaching public decency laws in Germany.
• On the jobless
  Jobless women on benefits in Germany are to be given free condoms to cut down on unplanned pregnancies.

• Get knotted
  A nervous 23-year-old groom dialed 999 when his hands were shaking so much he couldn't do up his tie for his wedding, say police in Bremen, Germany.
• Killer undertakers get life
  Two undertakers have been jailed for life for beating a rival to death with a coffin after he threatened to lift the lid on their crooked business.
• Floody idiot
  "AA? Well, yes, you could say the engine is flooded."
• Double portion
  Roly-poly Stefanie Bieber gave birth to twins after going to the loo with what she thought was a bout of indigestion.

Chelsea Thugs Target Champs League Final
Anti-soccer thug police have warned that a hard core of violent fans are heading for Chelsea's Champions League final against Bayern Munich on Saturday - despite British police issuing more than 80 travel bans on suspected hooligans.

Old Banger
A cabbie whose gas-powered car exploded just after he'd fuelled up survived with barely a scratch when he was blown clean through the open window, say police in Schwabing, Germany.

Scared Stiff
A burglar fled an apartment in terror when he came face to face with the mummified corpse of the of a woman who'd died unnoticed five years earlier, say police.

Dirty Politics
A grandstanding politician came down to earth with a bump - when a 40 ton digger he'd insisted on driving overturned on top of him.

Ewe Brutes
Callous art students who planned to behead a helpless sheep are being investigated by prosecutors in the German capital Berlin over animal cruelty allegations.

Wedding Lift
A serial car crook found with stolen wedding presents worth more than 150,000 GBP has confessed to pinching them from cars parked outside churches and hotels.

Hot Cross Huns
Naked sauna-goers were among the two hundred guests that fled when a sauna and thermal spa resort in Fichtelburg, Germany, went up in flames causing 25 million GBP of damage.

Wedding Crasher
Boozed up Stephan Pfeifer, 20, was a real wedding crasher after wandering into a community centre attic space to find somewhere to sleep - and plunging 30 foot through the floor to land in a shower of debris in front of bride Annett Friedman in Unterfranken, Germany.

Off Their Trolley
Staff at a Kaufland supermarket in Duisberg, Germany, had to apologise to customers after thieves made off with their entire stock of 150 shopping trolleys overnight.

Piggy Back
Dad Lucas Bergmann who was burgled and his his kid's money boxes and toys stolen while the family were at a New year's Eve party has had the lot returned - complete with an apology note from the thief at Neufahrn in Bavaria, Germany.