WARNING!
This newspaper is a time machine, locked in around the time of two World Wars, one World Cup and a lost age when it was permissible to poke fun at Germans.
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Heidi-Eye
Heidi the cross-eyed possom has got double trouble when it comes to hunting out food - as a rare eye defect makes her see two of everything.
The two year old marsupial - on display at Leipzig Zoo in Germany - would never have survived in the wild, say her keepers who are building a special enclosure to deal with her condition.
Climbing frames and feeding branches will be kept wide and simple so she can keep playing possum - without falling off.
"She's very cute and all the visitors love her. We just have to remember she doesn't see things the way we do," said one keeper.
Zoo spokeswoman Maria Saegenbarth added: "She has a very limited field of view but she manages. She can balance and climb but quite cautiously."
German Herald
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Chelsea Thugs Target Champs League Final
Anti-soccer thug police have warned that a hard core of violent fans are heading for Chelsea's Champions League final against Bayern Munich on Saturday - despite British police issuing more than 80 travel bans on suspected hooligans.
Old Banger
A cabbie whose gas-powered car exploded just after he'd fuelled up survived with barely a scratch when he was blown clean through the open window, say police in Schwabing, Germany.
Scared Stiff
A burglar fled an apartment in terror when he came face to face with the mummified corpse of the of a woman who'd died unnoticed five years earlier, say police.
Dirty Politics
A grandstanding politician came down to earth with a bump - when a 40 ton digger he'd insisted on driving overturned on top of him.
Ewe Brutes
Callous art students who planned to behead a helpless sheep are being investigated by prosecutors in the German capital Berlin over animal cruelty allegations.
Wedding Lift
A serial car crook found with stolen wedding presents worth more than 150,000 GBP has confessed to pinching them from cars parked outside churches and hotels.
Hot Cross Huns
Naked sauna-goers were among the two hundred guests that fled when a sauna and thermal spa resort in Fichtelburg, Germany, went up in flames causing 25 million GBP of damage.
Wedding Crasher
Boozed up Stephan Pfeifer, 20, was a real wedding crasher after wandering into a community centre attic space to find somewhere to sleep - and plunging 30 foot through the floor to land in a shower of debris in front of bride Annett Friedman in Unterfranken, Germany.
Off Their Trolley
Staff at a Kaufland supermarket in Duisberg, Germany, had to apologise to customers after thieves made off with their entire stock of 150 shopping trolleys overnight.
Piggy Back
Dad Lucas Bergmann who was burgled and his his kid's money boxes and toys stolen while the family were at a New year's Eve party has had the lot returned - complete with an apology note from the thief at Neufahrn in Bavaria, Germany.
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